14/12/05

WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO BE GAY? (3)

by Luke ( skywalker_d2@hotmail.com )

 

Hi guys,

I read your comments. It's incredible that we can be so far apart and yet feel the same things.

I'd like to share a few of my thoughts.

I'm 29 (actually, nearly 30) and coming out was quite hard for me. I've been attracted to men ever since I can remember, but it caused me years and years of regret, doubt, and fears (like nearly all of us).

I also had several girlfriends, but my attraction for men was stronger. I didn't understand my feelings and thought it was only for sex. Since I was 18, I've hidden that part of my life and my sexual encounters weren't with the most suitable people (OK, I'd go with whoever showed any interest in me, and vice versa).

I read a lot about gay life. Occasionally I'd read the words 'love,' 'couple,' 'faithfulness,' but I used to ask myself is that possible between two men, because my view of it (being one of them myself) was that it was just lust.

For a long time I asked myself whether I would meet someone to share my life with as a couple. Perhaps there'd be a friend or fellow student I'd be able to tell about my attraction for men. But I never found him.

At 18 I decided to accept myself as gay. Nevertheless I didn't know how to do that.

I asked myself, what does it mean to be gay?
Does it mean dressing up as a woman?
Does it mean waiting on the corner in the park hoping some guy will come up and have sex with you?
Does it mean going to public baths looking for men?
Does it mean molesting children?
Does it mean being effeminate?
Does it mean having AIDS?
Does it mean being the black sheep of the family?
Does it mean feeling like an invalid?
Does it mean putting up with it when they call you a poof?

I refused to accept any of that. But what is the gay stereotype? What picture does straight society have about gay people? Isn't it exactly what my questions were about?

Of course it is!

That's certainly how my parents think. But I decided if some day they did know I was gay they wouldn't be ashamed of me. So that was the path I chose and it guided how I behaved. I studied, I worked, I was a good friend, I went out, I had a normal life. But don't ask me about my sex life, that's nobody's business but my own.

Why should I act like a woman if I'm a man?
Why should I go to bed with the first bloke who crosses my path?
And why shouldn't I respect my body, just because I'm gay?
Why should I have to pretend to have a girlfriend, when that's my business?
Why should everyone know who I go to bed with when it's none of their concern?

It's difficult to be gay in this society. We'd also like to hold hands with our partners n public, but we can't be so bold as to make heterosexuals accept us as we are. It'll happen, but we can't force it. So we'll have to learn to be gay and pretend to be what we're not. That's the only way society can cope with us.

Being gay doesn't really count for anything. We help emphasise the difference and it's we ourselves who cut us off. When really we're just one more person on this planet, and nothing more. Write a book, plant a tree, enjoy life…don't be the one to make yourself different just because you're gay.

Coming out doesn't mean shouting to the world that you're gay. It's admitting to yourself that you are, that's all. It's just connecting with yourself. We're not different from the rest, except that for love and sex we choose with someone of the same gender.

Unfortunately, many gay couples meet in bed. I mean they began with sex and then they got to know each other. When the passion passes, the desire to be together comes to an end and the search begins again.

No! That is NOT how it should be.

I think I learned that lesson very late in my life. If I'd realised my orientation sooner I'd not have wasted my childhood suffering every night because of what I felt. If someone had told me then that I wasn't put on this earth to cry every day but to live my life happily, I'd have a different story to tell you.

Now, almost a third of the way through my life, I share these reflections with you. Above all, this site is for adolescents…

My message to you and others is: love yourselves and other people. You only have one life and there's no going back. You have to live it, but live it HAPPILY!

Luke

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